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Brian's Morning Show Blog!
Welcome to Brian’s Morning Show Blog! He'll make you laugh! He'll make you cry! And maybe; just maybe, he'll write about himself in the third person.
After you read the blog, are you amused? Incensed? Wholly indifferent but really desperate for somebody to email? Then email Brian at bmuchinsky@1037themountain.com.
(And if you're morbidly curious about what he does in his spare time, check out www.hypergraphicpress.com. His dad wrote a textbook called Psychology Applied to Work, 9th Edition and he's helping publish it!)
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May 13: The "Sabbatical" Begins
As Marty said on the air at the end of today's show, and alluded to earlier, I'm going to be going away for a little bit.
Since I have to get going, and people often ask me what a producer does, I've decided to post my final instructions to Colin, my substitute during my absence. I hope it's more interesting than the nothing that is the alternative.
Night before show: Prep interviews, review news stories for ideas on jokes or other content. Go to bed early.
Home, morning of show: Pull day's birthdays. Prep interviews I don't think I'll have time to prep on site. Listen to online sources of audio content for use during show. CULL SEATTLE TIMES WEBSITE AND CNN FOR 2-3 LINE SHOWSHEET MATERIAL. JOKES A PLUS.
Before show, on site: Record audio cuts and TiVo cuts into Audio Audition; save all cuts in "News Cuts" file. Write cut sheet. Finalize showsheet and print. Finalize, print, and present to Marty and Jodi (what he gets, she gets) any early interviews (6:30 or earlier) or big deal interviews (like Arianna Huffington, for example). Ask Marty if he has any emails for "Mailbag."
Once show begins: Stay 30-60 minutes ahead of the showsheet. Present interview prep 30-45 minutes ahead of scheduled interviews. Keep your eye on CNN for breaking stories.
At or before 6:30, ask Marty what he wants to play on the 7:20 Funny. Be liberal with ideas if he solicits your input. Listen to routine and bleep any naughtiness.
Always answer hotline for interviews. Tara did it once, and bad things happened. (No Tara on Wednesdays, by the way.) If you get the call screener, make them put on the interviewee before you send it in to Marty and Jodi. Remind them that they'll be talking to Marty and Jodi "in Seattle" (if appropriate).
Post interviews online as promptly as possible. But something fresh in the "Hot Box" at least once a day; more often if the mood strikes you. If you find yourself with nothing to do, improve the website content.
For live, in studio guests, use the middle studio as a green room. If at all possible, do a pre-interview with them and hand-write any additional information or questions that come from that exchange.
On Wednesdays, you're in charge of beverages. Marty likes hot water; Jodi likes caffeinated coffee.
Ideas are a good thing. If there's something you think they should talk about, run it past them. They'll usually say no; sometimes they'll say yes. Either way, you've done your job.
After the show: revise today's showsheet to become the foundation for tomorrow's showsheet. Cull the TiVo for stand-up comedy. Edit if available.
Ask questions if you have any doubt about anything. You'll have a honeymoon period. The better you are, the shorter it will be.
Share credit; hog blame.
Write Actual Factuals.
Keep Marty and Jodi having fun. It's actually a vital part of what you do. Which is why the job itself is so firicking cool.
Don't touch my stuff.
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May 12: Visits with Carl Larson and Jack Handey
There’s no question that the biggest news of the day came from Marty during what was otherwise a benign break. We were yakking about Harrison Ford’s understated appearance on “The Tonight Show, when Marty revealed that he got his start in radio under the stage name of “Carl Larson.” This got funnier still, when Marty said that this was ACTUAL NAME of an ACTUAL PERSON; namely, a friend of his father.
I cannot overstate how humorous Jodi and I found this. I hope no explanation why is necessary.
Afterward, Marty was not as enamored with our cackling as I thought he would be, which is why I have not attached the audio. To paraphrase De Gaulle, graveyards and radio producer want ads are filled with indispensible men.
But Carl Larson isn’t the only real person you thought was fictional who we talked to today. We also aired my Blatant Stereotyping interview with Jack Handey.
You should listen to the aircheck, which recounts some of this story. But here it is from my perspective.
In high school, I dreamed of being a comedy writer. Specifically, I dreamed of writing for “Saturday Night Live.” At the time, “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey was among my favorite bits on the show, although my favorite was “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.” Basically, I spent the last two years of my public education telling anyone who would listen that “I’m just a caveman…I fell into a crevasse, and was later thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! [Etc.].” Then I would laugh, and the three fellow nerds who laughed with me became my friends.
A few weeks ago, I saw a piece on CNN.com about the real Jack Handey; how he’s alive and well in New Mexico and had a new book out called “Things I’d Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats.” It also explained something I never knew: that he wrote “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.”
I went to whitepages.com and got an address (he’s wise enough not to have a listed phone number). I decided to write him a sincere letter thanking him for his influence and asking if he’d consent to a radio interview. A little over a week later, I received a letter back. It was handwritten, on Jack Handey stationery, thanking me for the kind words and saying that he’d love to chat. He included an email address. From there, we scheduled the interview for last Friday morning. When I would normally have been blogging longer than necessary, I was prepping questions longer than necessary.
The result was an interview that literally spanned more than a half hour. The Stereotyping portion alone was over 13 minutes long. I just kept asking follow up questions; about the craft of writing, about his influences; and he kept answering them. He came across to me as very down to earth (certainly in comparison to his SNL character, who seems like he’s floating in orbit around a planet that has yet to be formed).
Marty edited these parts out, but at several points during the Stereotyping interview, he said that the questions were good and that the interview was “thought provoking.” At the end of the interview, I shamelessly said that I would be happy to share my “thought provoking” interview with any of his friends, famous and otherwise. He said something moderately encouraging.
To my abiding shame, I never told him the name of the game that the interview funds. It occurred to me for the first time that the name of the game is pretty embarrassing. I hope that when he listens to the interview (I sent it to him), he doesn’t feel misled by the title (or its spirit).
Listen to the aircheck of the interview by clicking here. I’m headed out of town tomorrow on my “vacation,” but at some point I’m going to edit the full interview down to 10-15 minutes that I can keep forever. If enough blog readers tell me they’d sit through it all, I might post it online when it’s all said and done. (He does tell a story of Mick Jagger telling him to change the end of a sketch, and him refusing to do so.)
Jack Handey: actual real person and genuinely sincere human being.
Marty said that the interview was good, but he had one critique; I sounded like I was pandering. My only defense was that it was sincere; I realize it’s only a partial one.
Jack Handey was Steve Martin’s next door neighbor, and he knows untold famous and interesting people. If he genuinely liked the questionnaire, and leaves this experience with an overall positive vibe, this could turn into something even more special and awesome. (He has sent me the email address of another brilliant writer, which I will follow up on when I get back into town.)
This is my roundabout way of saying that you should join me in buying Jack Handey’s books by clicking here. I myself just bought the new one and one of the “Deep Thoughts” collections.
If he sees that we moved a lot of product up here in the Northwest, maybe he’ll keep the pipeline of premium guests coming.
I’m totally seriously. Buy these books. I've never asked you for anything before in my life. (Unless you actually know; I'm kind of a taker.)
P.S. While I don't write for SNL, I did write this joke today. Marty told it on the air, but I don't think he really believed in it. (Whether he should have is for you to decide.) Later.
Happy birthday to Billy Squire; he’s 58. He’s best known for the song “The Stroke,” which now takes on a new, dangerously literal meaning.
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May 9: I Won't Take Up Much of Your Time
Since the price of stamps go up on Monday, I'm taking advantage of this last opportunity to inexpensively mail in the blog.
David Crowe is very funny. I finally got around to Blatantly Stereotyping Tara. She gave some very funny answers. And after the show, I Blatantly Stereotyped Jack Handey. For a half an hour. If you don't know how he is, google him and then buy both his new book "What I'd Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats" and anything else he's selling.
We'll air that sometime next week.
See you around, suckers.
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May 8: Mike Birbiglia, Mike Birbiglia, Mike Birbiglia, Mike Birbiglia
Today’s was another fun and fast-paced show.
I told you we’d come through with a way to get more of you into the Slumber Party! And all it took was some mild tinkering with the space-time continuum.
As I explained on Tuesday to one listener who asked if the “wait list” was full, the wait list is a “theoretical construct;” namely, that scientists hypothesize that adding to its size does not actually limit its ability to be further augmented; thus, like numbers themselves, they could extend into infinity. She didn’t seem to care; she was just happy that I wrote down her email address and junk.
Anyway, opening up Friday night single packages (and retrieving some extra show tickets from a nearby black hole) allowed us to accommodate several more people, all of whom reacted like winners. All for the thrill of paying us money to hang out with us. The radio business is a lot different from practicing law. Actually, come to think of it, everything but the being happy about paying to share our company is pretty much the same.
Mike Birbiglia joined us for an interview this morning, about his odyssey in trying to get a pilot produced and then picked up. I want to make sure I spell his name right, because he admitted in the interview that he subscribes to “Google Alerts,” which supposedly sends him an email every time he is discussed on a website OR BLOG. So, hypothetically, simply writing his name has guaranteed that he is reading these words right now. I will thus take great care to call him neither “pudgy” nor “awkward”; wording in someone else’s blog that he found unflattering.
Mike really is living every comedian’s dream to have made it even this far with a pilot. Especially one about his own life events. We all want to believe that our lives, plus our talent, should be sufficient to make millions of people care about us and millions of dollars beat a path to our door. Mike is on the cusp of making that happen. He deserves it. And not just because he let me Blatantly Stereotype him in the bitter, bitter cold of a Ballard afternoon.
Mike Birbiglia and me, during heavier and lighter days, respectively. (By the way, Mike, I have a “Frasier” spec if you’re hiring staff writers…)
Listen to the interview by clicking here.
Speaking of Blatant Stereotyping, today we interviewed Jeff. You should listen to the interview by clicking here.
As the show was winding to a close, Tara told me that Jeff was on the phone and wanted to speak with me. (I guess Jodi’s hypothesis that he wasn’t listening was incorrect.) He hung up before I could take the call, but Tara reported that he claimed there were many inaccuracies in our on-air account; including the song that he played, the name of the instrument, the color of his track suit, and more. I confess that our on-air stories focus more on clarity and cleverness than consistency with the facts. I believed everything I said when I said it (and the spit part was definitely true), but I concede that I might not have retained a photographic memory of the event.
Seriously, Mike Birbiglia. I would be an asset to your writing team. And if you don’t get picked up, I’m really really sorry. (For us both.)
P.S. I’d like to give a shout out to Shannon, the wonderfully sweet 41 year old mother of 3 who wants us to feature her in the next “Blatant Stereotyping – Love Edition.” Hopefully this will trigger her Google Alerts as well.
PPS I finally got my picture of me with Darius Rucker! I’m definitely getting fatter…and blurrier.
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May 7: Some Nerd Stuff Happens
First off, we’re trying really hard to figure out ways to involve more listeners in our “Slumber Party.” So don’t give up hope if you want in on the fun, but don’t have a reservation yet.
But the main focus of today’s entry starts with a definition:
nerd –noun; Slang.
An intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit: e.g., a computer nerd.
“Nerd” is a word that has, on occasion, been used to describe Marty. It has more frequently been used to describe me.
Certainly in Marty’s case, this label is undeserved. He’s in good shape; he exercises frequently. For all his self-deprecating humor, he’s a very social guy. Anyone who’s shown up at a Mountain event and seen him work the room knows that. And at the risk of giving a left-handed compliment, he lacks the attention span to be “obsessed” with much of anything.
I, on the other hand, have less of a defense to this charge. There’s no question that I’m intelligent; in many respects, to a fault. I am also easily driven to obsession. When something garners my attention, it seems pointless; even dishonest, to give it less than your complete focus. It is this socially inept single-mindedness of purpose that has garnered me more lifetime game show appearances than sexual partners. (Seriously.)
Why do I bring this up? Because Jodi posited on the air this morning that I am a “nerd” when it comes to comic book superheroes. The audio is attached here.
My knowledge on the subject is hardly encyclopedic; but I probably know more than most people about the respective superpowers of Marvel heroes. Perhaps more damning, I have three phone numbers in my cell phone that could get me in touch with people who know EVERYTHING on the topic. “And He shall judge them by the company they keep.” I’m pretty sure that’s a quote from the Bible. Or maybe The Green Lantern.
We interviewed Christian Oliver, the handsome villain in the latest blockbuster film “Speed Racer.” Listen to the interview by clicking here.
Made you click. Dorks.
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May 6, Part 2: A Friendly Cop and French Cuisine Make It All Better
Jodi promised a vitriolic blog today, replete with my tale of woe at talking to, approximately, 8 quadrillion people on the phone this morning about the Slumber Party, which incredibly was booked solid in less than one day.
I wasn’t really angry, just frazzled; the people I talked to were nice and grateful to have gotten through on the phone lines. Still, with the frazzling fresh in my mind, I was prepared to put on airs at being peeved, and rant about how Marty would egg listeners to call JUST as I was about to have a moment of rest, to post the 7:20 Funny online or change my colostomy bag.
But just as I was getting ready to write it up, Marty reminded me that we were leaving. Jodi, Marty and I had made arrangements to drive up to Everett together to meet with a guy on a super-secret mission. Yes, it’s even too secret to discuss in this blog; which I’ve previously claimed is intimate enough to talk about anything. This secret is that awesome.
Anyway, we took the “Mountain” SUV, complete with gigantic decals on the side. We entrusted the keys to our most experienced SUV driver; Jodi. Marty wanted to make sure he was back for a lunch appointment (though interestingly, he did not remember the time of the meeting), so we were in a hurry. Marty took the back seat, before I could protest or intercede. He is either an unqualified gentleman or thought of us as a limo service; you decide which is more consistent with your world view.
Jodi, who is lamenting the rental of a hybrid because it doesn’t have enough “kick,” was availing herself of the kick provided by the company car. To the tune of 80 miles an hour. A marked squad car caught us red handed, hung back for half a mile, then passed us, then let us pass again, and then turned on its lights. We pulled over.
The officer approached from the passenger side, because Jodi had pulled over such a short distance that attempting to approach her window would have meant an immediate and violent death. (I’m sure Jodi hadn’t considered that.) I handed him the car’s registration and Jodi’s license, and the tap dancing began. The officer tried to trick Jodi into admitting that she was doing over 80. It worked. Jodi conceded that she exceeded 80 “for a second.” He explained that that meant that it was “aggressive driving” under Washington law. Marty said that he thought you had to be flipping someone the bird for that law to apply. The officer assured Marty that he knew the law better than Marty did. I quickly took the officer’s side, apparently being the only one there who realized that you agree with everything a cop says until he decides to start writing the ticket.
He asked where we were headed, and I explained our mission in greater detail than I am explaining it with you. I then explained that the “whole morning show” was in the car, and even dropped Marty’s name. He didn’t overtly recognize the name, but he still hadn’t started writing.
The next thing I knew, he was letting us off with a warning “as long as we said nice things on the air the next day.” We assured him that we would. Just like that, we were on our way. (Two minutes later, our co-worker Colin texted Jodi to ask about getting pulled over. The price of a conspicuous vehicle.)
After a successful and super-secret meeting, I insisted that we visit a French pastry shop called “L’Artisan” in South Everett. Back in my lawyering days, the owner was a client of my firm. We would drive up frequently from Bellevue and get the royal treatment. The site of our meeting was just a few miles away; I told Marty it was even closer than that. As we descended into the wooded area of Everett, Marty contemplated a “drop and roll” exit from the back seat. He ultimately chickened out, and soon enough we were there.
Jodi ordered a cappuccino; Marty just ordered a loaf of bread. Only I stepped up and ordered the lunch special; a French style sandwich, beverage, and fancy French dessert pastry, all for one low price. (But a price, indeed; not only was the owner not there to treat me like royalty, there wasn’t a single employee there who remembered me. So for all my talk to Marty and Jodi about having been a big wheel there, I was just another schlub. This amused them, I think.)
As we drove back, I inhaled a ham and swiss, Coke classic, and chocolate éclair. As I was on bite 3 of 6 to annihilate the 8 inch dessert, it occurred to me that Marty and Jodi might make fun of me on the air for this tomorrow morning. That thought gave me only a moment’s pause, and the obliteration of the defenseless pastry continued.
By the time I got back to the station, my angst from the morning was long past.
Thanks to everyone who signed up for the Slumber Party, and everyone else who tried. We’re contemplating other ideas to make sure everybody feels included.
A demain, tardes de Jacques!
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May 6: Annoyed Rant Coming Soon
Since Jodi promised a ranting, raving, annoyed blog entry this morning, I feel it necessary to let you know now that I have every intention of meeting her (and perhaps your) expectations. But it won't be soon. I'm too busy doing all the work that formulates the substance of the aforementioned annoyance. You understand. You're working people.
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May 5: Feliz May the Fifth
First, a clarification: I got a concerned email this morning that the items on which I claimed I spent my stimulus check were actual factual. Not so. That was simply a self-pitying explanation for my non-participation in the “Stimulation Exchange” that turned into a running joke apparently appreciated only by me. My bad.
We announced today that we’ll be doing a “Slumber Party” in conjunction with Mountain Music Fest on the weekend of August 16. It’ll be two nights at a Redmond hotel, fun activities with Marty and the gang, and exclusive Mountain Music Lounges with Brandi Carlile (and hopefully the other acts as well). It’s going to be super awesome.
I suggested that we could offer the chance to be Blatantly Stereotyped in conjunction with the packages, but so far that has not been included. Time will tell, I suppose. I guess I’ll just hang out by the pool with my digital recorder and see what happens.
But the real storyline of the day was Blatant Stereotyping – past and present. We received an email update from Greg, the man who selected his date in studio last Thursday. He selected Jenny, the marine biologist. They went to the Metropolitan Grill on Friday night...and Greg emailed us to report that he had a fabulous time. Once again, Colleen and company at the Met treated our guests with top notch service and fare. You should all really eat there the next time you want a great meal. But don’t try to con them into thinking you’ve won a Mountain contest; they listen to the show religiously.
We received a phone call from Jenny with her side of the story, right before we conducted our interview of Gary.
Gary wants to “levitate” for his superpower. We had some fun with that, as well as certain other aspects of his personality.
Later, I got a call asking me if I thought he was sincere in any of his answers. I’ll tell you what I told her: I think we got an accurate view of his personality, but not necessarily honest answers to every question. The “magazine” question is more of a test balloon for veracity than of substantive importance. For example, when I interviewed famed sportscaster Joe Buck, his answer to that question included “Highlights for Children” and “Hustler.” It was that response that got me to politely request that he treat the game with a little more respect. (At least that’s how I remember it; my brother later told me that that’s when I started treating him like a ****.)
Anyhooz, Gary’s answers of “Mad” and “Young Republicans” strain credulity. But I strive to give people the benefit of the doubt if at all possible. So I’ll stick to my belief that somewhere, Gary’s cat is urinating in a box lined with an op-ed piece called “John McCain: the Grandpa You Always Wanted.”
Listen to Jenny and Gary by clicking here.
Pictures of Jenny. (For Greg pics, see below. For pics of them together, stay tuned.)
Blog Extra!
Just in: The pictures of Greg and Jenny together at the Met!
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May 2: A Dose of Hard Reality...and Presents!
Today was an emotional roller coaster.
We had comedian Patrice O’Neal in studio. I thought that it would be a typical comedian interview; feed him a couple of set-ups, mention where he’s playing, smile for a couple of pictures, and send him on his way.
That all changed when I saw that Patrice had appeared on multiple episodes of our favorite show, “The Office.” We had even mentioned at the top of the show (again) that we were trying to talk to everyone in the cast.
Our intern Tara listened to youtube clips of him, and warned us that his language was a bit rough. When we know that that is the situation, it falls on me to ask the comedians politely not to say any naughty words; even relatively benign words that you might hear on less couth radio programs. (These words are summarized by a three word short-hand phrase, “b****/a**/w****.”)
This speech is NEVER fun, but I was particularly ruing giving it to a man known for his ruthless “crowd work;” a nice phrase for belittling the people who pay to see you perform. (Imagine the audacity.)
In the course of this explanation, I mentioned that we had received a “tongue-lashing” from someone in management over a prior airing of these words. This phrase was all Patrice needed. What followed was a three minute rant in which he described me as “the whitest person in the world” and “profoundly unhappy.” Good stuff.
This good feeling continued on the air. During the interview, which you should listen to on our “Green Room” page, Patrice unloads on the unfortunate guy who drove him to the studio, then me, then Jodi, then Marty. If you’re short on time, cut right to part 2 of the interview, where Marty is the recipient of Patrice’s good cheer.
Without getting too defensive, I did see irony in his claim that I’m living “the life that I think I’m supposed to live,” like a black man who drives a car with large rims. That’s exactly what I *was* doing, before I gave up a six figure check to fetch his bottled water and ask strangers about their sex lives. But maybe there’s an even more spiritually honest life I’m still not living, and three years from now I can leave my wife and children and thereby gain his acceptance.
OK, now I am too defensive.
Patrice and Marty: let a frown be something that shields you from no rain whatsoever.
From that exchange, we went quickly into the “Stimulus Exchange” payoff! Right on the air were Marty and Jodi, trading their awesome purchases. Here is what each got:
Jodi: 5 silver coins
3 day Prius rental
Stainless steel water bottle
Columnus apple tree
Book on fertility
Marty: Gently used Nintendo Wii
Gently used copy of “Guitar Hero 3”
Lulu Lemon Sweatshirt for Karrie***
***Not actually part of gift exchange; violated “no frilly” requirement.
Each economic stimulator/stimulatee with their respective swag.
Marty and Jodi were genuinely happy with what they got. Granted, our lives might be pathetic lies and we’re way too positive and happy, but seeing people you like pleased with the kindness and thoughtfulness of their fellow human beings isn’t all bad.
Time for me to boogie. My sisters are both flying in from back East today and I get to give them the tourist treatment. In short: I’ll be spending my stimulus check on downtown parking.
Bon weekend, mes petites jacque-tardes!
Bonus: Here is my daughter Hillary and me at “31 Cent Scoop Night” at Baskin Robbins Wednesday. I think she’s cute.
 
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May 1: Love Is On the Air
Happy May Day, everybody! I’m a May Day fan. In addition to being my half-birthday, it’s the one day a year when Communists and Communist sympathizers are less than completely ostracized by mainstream America. (Remember when the biggest threat facing our nation was people half way around the world who said they wanted their government to provide for the needs of all its citizens, but didn’t really mean it? Now we let people like that run for President.)
As Marty pointed out, today has to be the worst day to work for the Coast Guard; they’re used to being on high alert for the words “May Day.” Though I would add that as bad as it is for them, it’s an even worse day to actually suffer an air or sea tragedy.
Today we launched Episode 2 of our popular series, “Blatant Stereotyping – Love Edition.” Today’s subject was Greg, a gentleman who befriended Jodi on our recent :20 Funny Booze cruise. Jodi was smitten by his charisma and charm and insisted that we line up a barrel full of ladies for him to cull in the search for his soul mate.
Greg and Jodi, who ironically was getting gussied up to have her picture taken.
And line up the ladies we did. I fielded way more phone calls than we could possibly get to. Between Jessica, Barbara, Joana, Susan, Sharon, Marie, and “Lisa,” Greg couldn’t really have gone wrong. But I can’t fault his choice of Jenny, the bubbly marine biologist.
As is our custom, Jenny and Greg will be treated to deluxe treatment at the Metropolitan Grill, courtesy of Friend-of-the-Show (and –of-the-blog) Colleen. Greg and Jenny have promised an email report, and Colleen has promised us pictures. Stay tuned.
Finally, Marty and Jodi have each completed their shopping lists for our “Stimulus Exchange.” I have seen both. It’s going to be great. Each of them has fulfilled both the letter and the spirit of the experiment. As one would expect, Marty will be the beneficiary of more fun; Jodi of more utility.
(I will be spending my own stimulus check, to get my wedding ring out of a Marysville pawn shop. Long story. The short version for poker players is, I had the nut full house cracked on the river by a gut shot straight flush draw. The short version for non-poker players is, I’m a despicable human being.)
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April 30: Darius Rucker and Other "Cool Treats"
Today’s show started out typically enough. I put a bunch of news and other happenings onto what we call a “show sheet”; a piece of paper so named because it contains a schedule of what’s happening on the program, or “show”.
One of the items on it is that tonight, from 5:00-10:00, is “31 Cent Scoop Night” at Baskin Robbins. Generally most of these notes warrant little or no mention in the course of a show.
But at 6:15, Marty mentioned it. What followed was an utterly surprising barrage of cracks and other insults about that fine American institution.
Even more surprising, phone calls kept coming in with follow up comments, questions, and derision.
If I seem a little sensitive about the topic, it’s because, as it ultimately disclosed in the exchange, my first job was at a Baskin Robbins in Ames, Iowa. (Yes, I pile on a little with the discussion of the ice cream cakes. But those things really are quite gross.) Listen to the fun by clicking here.
Then, at 8:15, we played my special celebrity Stereotyping interview with former “Hootie and the Blowfish” front man Darius Rucker. This was an utterly unexpected surprise. As I was packing up to leave yesterday, I got an email from “The Wolf” saying that Darius would be performing country music in our conference room in about an hour. I was tired and itching to go home, but this was not an opportunity I could pass up. I was in college when “Hootie” made it big. Those songs were an important part of my life.
When I first inquired about an interview, his “people” (again, when talking about those who help famous people, the singular of “people” is “people”) explained that the chances were slim. His obligations were understandably with the country station. No problem, I said.
While we were hanging out before the concert, the discussion turned to a venue in Portland, where Darius had just been. Grape Juice, our esteemed Programming Director, has extensive ties down there. So when Darius and his people had a question about this place, whose name they did not know, GJ was all over it. He then explained that, the way it is built, the building actually sways while a concert is going on, as though there’s an earthquake. He said, “it’s really difficult to keep a beer steady.” I quipped, “especially your eighth beer.” This made Darius Rucker laugh. I like making famous people laugh.
Eventually Darius made a couple minutes for me, and what ensued is by far the shortest actual BS interview in history. The irony is that what was the shortest to record is, I believe, the longest one we’ve ever aired. This is a testament to how good his answers were.
The concert was incredible, by the way. I don’t pretend to know country music, but his new songs are exceptionally beautiful (one about having a daughter grow up before your eyes made me cry), and he closed with a gently country-fied version of “Let Her Cry” that would be welcome on either the Wolf’s playlist or ours.
Listen to the interview by clicking here.
Somewhere there exists a picture of Darius and me, but I’m still trying to track it down from the nice lady who had the camera. So we’ll see what happens with that.
Darius Rucker. Not pictured: me, kissing his keister.
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April 29: Rules, Rules
This “Stimulus Exchange” thing has really blown up. Marty and Jodi are spending the other’s stimulus checks, to buy things that the other should, but would not, buy for themselves. Kind of a fun concept, really. (Marty and Jodi asked me to participate, but I will be spending my stimulus check on myself. Or, more specifically, on court mandated fines. I apologize again to the street cleaning crew, the witnesses to the unfortunate incident, and of course to the nuns and their families.)
Today’s developments were a “veto list,” and some ground rules for the exchange. I could just list the rules here, but why tell when I can show. (I hope you’re happy, 11th grade creative writing teacher.)
Listen to the segment where the rules were devised and the vetoes articulated here.
I happen to know for a fact that Jodi is going to be closing the deal on something absolutely fantastic. I suspect, without knowing for sure, that Marty will buy something at the convenience store across the street from the station on Friday morning.
So we’ll see what happens with that.
I’m off to perform community service at St. Christopher's.
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April 28: Stimulus, Response
The stimulus checks start going out today. (They will take several weeks to arrive for most of us, so don’t start that kiting scheme just yet.) We at The Marty Riemer Show wanted to come up with a fun way of taking that fact and turning it into on-air magic.
To this end, we traded some emails over the weekend to generate ideas. Marty solicited ideas, I sent some, and they were ignored. (The circle of life.) That brought us up to Monday morning. Thinking that this meant that the matter was thus conclusively (if unfavorably) resolved, I started doing my usual pre-show prep.
Then, right after the first break, Marty raised the unnecessary government check issue again. What ensued was literally an hour of intense brainstorming, only occasionally interrupted by us talking about something else into the microphones. Never have we tried harder to come up with an idea about something.
And after an hour, we gave up. I retired to my fortress of solitude to meditate and post the 7:20 Funny online.
Just then, Marty and Jodi came up with the perfect solution: they would spend their stimulus checks – on each other. Instead of getting whatever they would want for themselves, they would buy what they think the other person would want for them. No item is too frivolous. Excellent!
I have been asked to write up a contract that enforces the rules that they impose on each other. As for what those rules are, we’ll just have to wait and see.
(By the way, I will be spending my own stimulus check, on food stamps and wood for the stove that is the sole source of heat in my one-room shack. So I’m passing on the on-air antics.)
Today’s Blatant Stereotyping subject, Patty, was a Barack Obama volunteer at the District Caucuses a few weeks back. It’s funny that Marty made such a big deal out of me asking her the “sex life” question, because she overheard me asking that question of someone else, and she went out of her way to interrupt and yell, “say fantastic!” So when that interview had concluded, I immediately sought her out so that she could answer the survey herself. Never was I *less* embarrassed to pose that question.
She was very nice and fun and a good interview. Listen to the exchange here. I liked very much that she was unsure whether
“Diane,” Princess of Wales, counted as a celebrity. You can’t make this stuff up, people.
Enjoy spending your own stimulus checks. With the emphasis on the word “spend.” Remember; if you save it, you make Dick Cheney sad. And when Dick Cheney gets sad, things die.
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April 25: TGI Time for Me to Bail
Happy Friday, people. I'm catching a flight in 20 minutes, so this will be absurdly brief.
Kathleen Madigan joined us in studio. She's incredibly awesome. A pro's pro. If you aren't going to her show at the Moore tonight yet, now you are. Some tickets are still available. Buy them. Go see Marty's opening act. Go see hilarious stand-up. End of story.
Listen to the hilarious interview by clicking here.
Monday, hosers.
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April 24: We Get Some Names Wrong
Crazy morning. We had two live guests a lot of audio to juggle. Throw in a sick child at home and it feels great to have survived the morning at all. (This must be exactly how soldiers feel after they survive a war.)
All my “Earth Week” nonsense was poised to pay big dividends this morning, when two days after so-called “Earth Day,” we had author Doug Fine in studio. He is an environmentalist who has followed his principles to their logical conclusion: he is living on a farm and using as few fossil fuels as possible. He is an extremely witty, well-educated person.
Marty even mentioned “Earth Week” once, but his heart wasn’t in it. The dream lives on.
Listen to the interview by clicking here.
The title of Fine’s book recounting his exploits living in this ecologically responsible way is “Farewell, My Subaru.” As learned (two syllables) people know, this is an hilarious allusion to the classic Chinese play “Farewell, My Concubine,” the tale of Xiang Yu, the self-described “King of Western Chu,” whose unwillingness to part with the illicit object of his desire exacts an epic cost to everything else he holds dear. The play was made into a moderately successful film about 15 years ago.
Now that traffic is being done by Rainey Cohen, our intern Tara has more time to focus on learning more aspects of production. I asked her to take the photograph of Doug and post it on our website. She dutifully did so. However, I don’t think she picked up on the wit and concision in the book title: she described Doug as the author of the book “Kiss Your Subaru Goodbye.” This struck me as humorous.
Some people get references to ancient Chinese literature; some don’t.
We played a Thursday edition of Blatant Stereotyping that could cause me personal misfortune. I interviewed BILL, the very nice auto mechanic who has been extremely prompt and competent in dealing with my spastic Saturn. He is a faithful listener to the show. I fear that he may not hold me in as high an opinion now as he did before today, for two reasons: one, Marty kept calling him “Mike,” and two, we got a little excited about one of his answers.
I’d like to be able to say that I asked Marty to change Bill’s name to protect him, but I couldn’t back that up. Marty’s just not so good with the names.
To listen to the interview, click here.
Finally, Marty is opening for Kathleen Madigan tomorrow night. He has no jokes and no other prepared entertainment. In the course of the discussions, Kathleen’s manager asked Marty if he knew any magic tricks. This has been fertile ground for comedy. To cite one example, we played a phone call that led to an exchange that we found humorous. I even made a contribution. Marty mocks the abstract nature of my impressions, but I assure that the one I chose for him served a specific and valuable purpose. I would explain that purpose here, but then nobody would purchase my seminar DVD “How to Be a Soft-Spoken Radio Third Banana.” And then I can kiss my daughter’s college fund goodbye.
Listen to the call by clicking here.
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April 23: Happy Administrative Professionals Day!
Yes, it’s Administrative Professionals Day. I chose to include myself in this celebration, by virtue of the fact that I am clearly the least powerful person at The Marty Riemer Show; thus I fall under the obvious spirit, if not the letter, of the holiday. (No, we Administrative Professionals do not deserve a whole week of celebration for ourselves. Don’t be stupid.)
And when I say that I included myself, I mean that only I have acknowledged my inclusion in this group in any way whatsoever. Reflecting back on this decision, I see that unlike a holiday (such as Thanksgiving, say) that is a chance for internal reflection and growth, APD is really a day that you need to be acknowledged by someone else for it to have meaning. Specifically, someone who buys you something. Otherwise, as a holiday goes, it kind of sucks.
By placing APD immediately after Earth Day, we see how far we have to go before “Earth Week” becomes a reality. Because there are few days on the calendar where there will be more superfluous waste of paper products than this one.
But as this is the Morning Show blog, I should probably actually discuss something that happened on the air. We had a tremendous guest in studio this morning. Sandy Cioffi survived a week in a Nigerian prison; all for having the gall to be a journalist covering a story with global implications. It’s largely a serious discourse, but Marty and Jodi mine a couple laughs during the exchange. Whether you’re in the mood for mirth or contemplation, you should listen to the whole thing. Check out our Green Room page to do so.
Jodi and Sandy. Not to brag, but Sandy called our hospitality “better than a Nigerian prison.”
And, after a drought of a couple weeks, we gave away even more steaks in the “Steaks Couldn’t Be Higher” contest at 7:00. Hillary Clinton dropped the phrase during her victory speech in Pennsylvania last night.
I know what you’re thinking: Brian, did you, in fact, plant the phrase on Slick Hilly like you did with Ron Sims yesterday? The answer is, of course, yes. You should have figured out by now that I am one of Hillary’s speechwriters. The giveaway was when she called the Bush Administration “a bunch of jacktards.”
I’m out.
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April 22: Earth Week Rolls On
Yes, it’s “Earth Day,” thought the concept seems an impertinent belittling of “Earth Week.” But hey, what do I know.
We had two cool guests today; one is Theresa Rossiter, that lady in Eugene who was nearly devoured by a python. Listen to that interview by clicking here.
We also talked to King County Executive Ron Sims. He even used the phrase “the stakes couldn’t be higher” in the interview! That was super awesome.
People always ask me: Brian, do you plant that phrase on your interview subjects? That’s a delicate question, with no clear-cut answer. For example, in the case of Ron Sims, it was my job to connect him with Marty and Jodi for the interview. Because I thought it would be great if he used the phrase, I did try to apply some subliminal mind mojo on him.
I said, “hey, would you mind please saying ‘the steaks couldn’t be higher’ at any time about anything during the interview? That’s ‘the steaks couldn’t be higher.’” And go figure; I guess that somehow insinuated the idea into his head. The human brain is one freaky supercomputer.
Listen to that interview by clicking here. (No additional steaks are given for web listens.)
We also did our follow-up regarding Michelle and her date with Dr. Brian (no relation). It apparently didn’t go very well. Love is fickle (as novelty playing cards in my house growing up with Kermit and Miss Piggy on them said so eloquently).
The unrequited couple, during happier times at the Metropolitan Grill last Friday night.
In the course of explaining why I didn’t ask Michelle the “sex life” question, I explained that I thought that I was pretty sure that her answer would be “sad and nonexistent;” hence the agreeing to be set-up on a radio show. This elicited an unhappy email, which Marty read on the air. Listen to it by clicking here.
And we played Blatant Stereotyping; the “no love” edition this morning! It feels like it has been a while. Sarah, yet another real estate agent, was a great sport. She had actually asked me to give her a “head’s up” that we would be playing her, but I forgot. (These things pop up very last minute. Show planning is absolutely vital to being a competent radio producer, I’m told.)
Here is the game as it played out. I didn’t think anyone would get the right answer, but it only took four guesses. Shows how much I know.
Have a happy continuing Earth Week!
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April 21: Marty Interviews B.J. Novak...and So Do I (Kind of)
Happy Monday, everybody. Or, as I’m touting this particular calendarial interval, “Earth Week!” First thing this morning, I pitched Marty the idea of calling this week “Earth Week,” because, as I put it, “the Earth deserves a whole week!” Pretty funny, right?
Marty said he didn’t get it and never mentioned the idea once. I haven’t brought it up since. (Pick your battles, people.)
Our main guest today was B.J. Novak, the hilarious “Ryan” from “The Office,” which is the best show on television. He was set to call in at 8:00 am; which, as astute listeners will know, is not a time when Marty and Jodi are available to chat with hilarious stars of best shows on television.
To render things even more auspicious, B.J. was not under the time crunch typical of our guests, who are doing radio interviews all across the country. Because B.J. was promoting his stand-up show on May 30 at the Moore Theater, he theoretically had time to chill out for a few minutes until the crew had time to record the interview. (Total insider secret: we recorded the interview. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone who doesn’t read the blog. And people who read the blog don’t need to be told. So just bottle this fact up and keep it to yourself until you reveal it on your death bed to unsuspecting relatives who were hoping you’d tell them where you buried your stolen art treasures.)
Add it all up and: my job this morning was to stall B.J. Novak.
B.J. Novak: a guy stalled by me.
Goal #1 was for me to get B.J. to do a “station ID;” to say who he is and that he’s listening to us. Pretty straightforward, I figured. Had I been figuring, I also would have figured that this would not have taken nearly as much time as would have been necessary to adequately stall. But I didn’t think.
He called on time; which is to say, earlier than we needed him. As is necessary for station ID’s, I was recording. In the interest of posterity, I provide to you the entire, 3 minute exchange without the benefit of editing that would make me sound less like an idiot. I kept looking at Marty through the glass to get the signal that they were ready, and it kept not coming.
If you’re looking to hear me sound like a moron but don’t have the 180 seconds to spare, just listen to the first minute. The worst of it comes pretty fast. (If you only have ten seconds, just stay for the “James Lipton” moment at the outset – and then note that I have learned something since that debacle.)
For those with greater patience, he does wind up sharing insights about “The Office” that weren’t shared in the vastly superior interview that was ultimately conducted by Marty and Jodi.
So to listen to the actual, awesome interview, click here.
To listen to the embarrassing pre-interview, click here.
B.J. Novak is an amazing story, actually. He graduated from Harvard, moved to L.A. and there did stand-up for the first time. Two years later, he was noticed as a stand-up. Then he got a gig on “Punk’d,” then a gig on “The Office.” Now he’s a star. End of story, no big whoop. Quite the template for you young people out there looking to get rich and date attractive women. Women like Katrina Bowden (the receptionist on “30 Rock.”)
B.J. Novak took this woman to an awards show. Seriously. (She’s 19.)
Tomorrow is Earth Day. Or as we cool people call it, Day 2 of “Earth Week!” Am I right, people? Anybody?
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April 18: What's Done Is Done
Hi, everyone! What’s going on? Having a nice | | |
